You Irreplaceable You
Tiger didn’t win yesterday, but he was in contention and we actually cared about golf, which was a positive change from the previous nine months. There’s a laundry list of reasons why Tiger is a compelling superstar and no one else on tour even approaches his level, but here’s one:
Tiger vs. Angel. Click to see full size image.
On the right, we have Tiger’s signature fist pump. It is strikingly triumphal, and captures perfectly the spirit of a man who has won golf’s most prestigious championship and reached the very pinnacle of achievement in his sport. As a result, it has become one of the iconic sports moments of our time.
On the left, we have a picture of Angel Cabrera, taken just after he won the Masters yesterday. Evidently, Angel was unmoved by his accomplishment, but he did spy a particularly moist piece of coconut cream pie on the clubhouse buffet.
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There’s a laundry list of reasons why Tiger is NOT a compelling superstar. And I am happy to share it with you!
1) His name is Eldrick Tont Woods
2) I have never seen pictures of him smoking a bong (4 Jesus)
3) He has not even once tried to carjack anyone
4) Why isn’t he bending over Hollywood actresses? Even pro benchwarmers can pull that.
5) Nor have I heard his name associated with strippers, hookers, or rape victims.
6) I have never seen anyone rockin’ the Woods jersey.
7) His sport does not involve harming his opponents.
8 ) His celebrations do not involve the creativity that Chad Ocho Cinco routinely exercises in. Oh another fist pump (pfft!)
9) How many cameos has he made in music videos?
10) Can he dunk?
11) Even when he loses, he gets covered as if he won